After you left...

The setting: I'd been out for a few drinks and people were going home one by one, until EVERYBODY decided to call it a night. I, however, had no intention of calling it quits and decided to stay out ALL BY MYSELF.

This was written to those who left early to answer their question; "What happened after we left?".

What am I doing here?

...I purchased another drink and went to stand amongst a crowd of people located near the cigarette machine/toilets/couches. It was the most populated location in the bar and I thought this would allow me to blend in, and also maximise my chances of striking a conversation with some pissed stranger. I was trying to look as though I was part of a large crowd, temporarily in between conversations, rather than a guy in a pub with no friends and not in any conversation at all

Location, Location, Location

Pretty soon, a spot opened at the bar and I took it, thinking that it would be more comfortable to sit than to stand. With this move the outward impression I was giving moved also. Now I was the Mysterious Outlaw Loner™ - solemn, in no need for company, yet open enough so as to, at least, not scare anybody away.

Brief encounter of (the) some kind

I was still drinking my first drink (after you left I started my drink count from zero again) when some pretty girl propped herself on the bar next to me to order a drink. I looked at her and when I looked away she looked across at me, I guess checking me out in turn. or else wondering if I was the kind of freak that would stalk her. I should really say something to her, I thought. But I didn't. She ordered her drinks, turned and left.

Animal instinct

Very soon after another girl moved to the same spot to order drinks. This time I didn't hesitate. I said something about the service of the bar staff and we started a mini-conversation. Then she ordered "three cock sucking cowboys". What did you order? I asked incredulously, eyebrows raised. She looked me in the eye and mouthed the name of the shots she ordered. Such a clean looking girl using such naughty words made me feel... err, well lets just use the phrase "animal instinct" and leave it at that. The remaining conversation consisted of me stammering incomprehensibly, and she left before I had finished the second syllable of the third word of my first sentence.

All the worlds troubles

Not too much later some guy sat next to me in the spot where all the pretty girls seemed to order their drinks from. He said; "You look as if all the worlds troubles rest on your shoulders, and you're not too happy about it". Nah, I said, I'm probably just a little bit bored and a little bit pissed. This guys name was Gary. He would have been about 40, he was a scientist and interestingly studied cells on AIDS molecules (or was it AIDS molecules on cells). Whatever, he was quite interesting to talk to but we were interrupted when a particularly drunk girl ordered drinks from my other side, she looked at me and said "Whaddaryou doing here byoureself?"

She's a girl

How'd you know I'm by myself if I'm in a conversation with somebody, I thought. We talked shit for about 30 seconds and she said "You are sooo interesting, can I sit here?", meaning to my now vacant left. I apologised to Gary, explaining that she's a girl and therefore I have an obligation to ignore him and talk to the girl. He understood. The girl, named Jasmine, said "Hang on a second, I've got to introduce you to somebody". She returned with a guy, named Brett.


I was having a good night. Jasmine appeared to be paying significantly more attention to me than to Brett. This, plus alcoholic intoxication, was pumping life into my jaded ego. I was loving it, and made it even more joyful for myself by asking Brett for two cigarettes. One for me and one for my new (now I was beginning to realise, probably gay) friend Gary. By this time Brett hated me. There was no way Brett wanted to give me the smokes, but he didn't want to look like a dick in front of Jasmine. Ah ha! Your move asshole, I thought.

Brett's brain

In his head Brett thought of something that was so wickedly funny and at the same time condescending toward me that it might, it just might, turn the balance of power in this social dynamic toward himself. Unfortunately for Brett, in the translation from Brain to Reality something went awry. It wasn't funny. Jasmine didn't laugh. Everybody was silent for 2 long seconds. Brett gave me a cigarette. I gave the cigarette to Gary and shared another cigarette which he had given to Jasmine. I win.

Angry girlfriend

Brett's night was getting worse. Unbeknownst to me, until now, Brett has an angry girlfriend who was storming about the bar. Apparently she was angry because he had been talking to Jasmine. Jasmine was telling me she was upset at making her upset because she's not interested in Brett at all. She went on to tell me I had a nice smile which both my previously mentioned ego, and my previously mentioned animal instinct were thrilled to hear. We leaned in... and kissed. There was a bit of a crowd around my part of the bar now and I was talking to a whole host of people - two guys of which told me they thought Jasmine was "hot". "LAST DRINKS PLEASE" came the call which we ordered, then drank. Then we left the bar, "Now what?" she said.

Now what

Well I can't drive, I said as we walked. You're welcome to crash with me on my friends uncomfortable couch. "Is it private?" asked Jasmine. Well..., I thought aloud (thinking was taking longer than usual), No - it's not. The sun was up, I looked around. Where the fuck are we? I said. So drunk and distracted was I that we'd been walking down the wrong street, for ages! Fuck it. Let's get a cab to my place, I said.

Largish fuck up

On the way there Jasmine fell asleep on my lap. We arrived $29 later and we walked towards the security door when a terrible, horrible thought slowly crossed my mind - The keys (fuck) to my flat (fuck) are in the drinks holder (fuck) in my car (fuck) which is currently parked outside my mates place in Newtown (FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!!!). Hey, Jasmine, you'll never guess what...

We finally made it (nod + wink)

So, back to Newtown. By this time I felt sober enough to drive, and anyway, seeing as I had just done the trip twice I knew there were no RBT's about. The drive was without incident. We finally made it into my flat and it is here that the details of our evening/day together are not so readily shared. What I can say is we were predominantly horizontal until either 4 or 5 o'clock. I offered to drive her home (nod + wink) which she gratefully accepted.

Those farmers

She's off to London in November and while quite attractive I doubt I'll be seeing her again. Oh, she's got my phone number but I don't think I'll hear from her. I don't mind though, because while those farmers my still be experiencing drought you can consider my personal drought over! Huzzah!!!

1 comment:

  1. Did you swap numbers? She must have been more than a little interested what with all the driving back and forth....hang on, is that a double entendre?