Finally the final part of this... thing. Traditionally I put a link to the first post around here in the first couple of sentences somewhere. If you're new then [do I really need to finish this sentence predictably?]...
Tue Dec 06, 2005 9:53 am Post subject: Not the final blog entry
I'm back in Sydney now - I still have the final blog entry to give you. It's ready to go, I did it on the plane, but in my absence from home the adapter to the modem blew up so I have no internet connection at the moment. But on the plus side the adapter has an additional feature it didn't have when I left. It now rattles when you shake it which is quite cool.
Also I have no phone because one of the pins on the recharger kind of broke. Suffice to say me and technology are not on speaking terms at the moment. In fact, with no phone, and no internet, me and everybody is not on speaking terms.
Anyway, it's my birthday coming up and I want somebody else to arrange a time and place for beer to drink to commemorate the occasion (birthdays after the 30th are no longer celebrated). Hopefully somebody knows my work email to invite me.
Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 8:59 pm Post subject: Finally...
When you read this I'll be back in Sydney. Really there is hardly any point in me writing it then, right? Right?
Well screw you guys. I'm writing it anyway.
Currently I'm in the air on QF108. If I look behind me I see lights of a city that largely are known as New York and I'm heading west towards my old stomping ground Las Angeles. I use the term 'old stomping ground' figuratively, of course. And I use it in a way which is wrong and in which it was never designed, but I guess you guess my approximate meaning.
This final blog entry I feel is going to be one of those all popular backwards episodes. Today is Friday. The New York time is 8:34pm. We were due to take off at 6:55 but due to various delays never very well communicated by the mumbling captain we didn't in fact get off the ground until after eight. So far I'm not liking the service on this aircraft. Where is somebody offering me a beer, dammit!
This morning I stomped around the office looking to everybody as if I was very pissed off. The reason for this was because I wanted to give the impression that I was, in fact, very pissed off. I wanted to give this impression because I was, indeed, very pissed off. Yesterday afternoon one of the guys who I'm working with came to me with a problem. Now, that's ok. That's what I'm here for. To fix problems. I'm not quite Mr Wolf, but pretty close. Up to that time I hadn't had a great deal many problems to fix. And this problem which was brought to me yesterday was a great BIG fucking problem. Why oh why do I get this problem now, the day before I'm due to catch a flight out of there? Yeah, well I stomped around the office in the morning (God, I can be such a demanding bastard when I want to be, and yet myself I'm such a slacker - god I'm such a cnut). In the afternoon they took me out to lunch and they all wished me a safe trip and what-have-you and I turned into normal happy Barcs from then on. The person you're reading the words of now is normal happy Barcs.
Lunch: oh yeah, lunch. I ordered Kung Pow Chicken. I've ordered it a hundred times and not once has it come with peanuts. This time it did. "I can't eat this" I said to whoever would listen when it was brought out. I have an allergy to peanuts you see and while this seems to be very amusing to other people… well, I'm not other people. For some reason every time my peanut allergy becomes a conversation piece people ask me if I would die if I eat enough of them. They even say: "So, if I wanted to kill you, could I do it by secretly putting peanuts in your food?". I generally say that I don't know if it would actually kill me, but you could try - it's possible. Oh, good - they say.
For some reason I feel as if I have some kind of aura around me. It's now 10:28pm NY time and I've hardly had a beer so far today. I got to the airport around 4pm for my flight and I had 2 beers in the British Airways lounge but that's all. OK, I did have a blended scotch too but only because I wanted to try Canadian Club Ginger Ale (not bad but Schweppes is better). On the plane I had a champagne when I sat at the seat. With my meal (the chicken this time - a mistake. The steak is better.) I had a glass of wine (which was refilled 3 times). With desert I had a cognac. Maybe that aura is drunkenness.
Thursday, and I'm thinking Thursday night is my final night so I better do something special. While getting a coffee in the office that Sydney girl I know comes in to the room and says hello. After a bit of "how ya doin" I ask if she would like to come out for a drink. She looked at me as if I'd just asked her out to a Dungeons & Dragons convention. "No" she says, "I have a lame excuse which I'm using to make you not feel bad." "Oh, that's OK", I say smiling weakly.
I haven't given up total hope of ever finding a girlfriend. My new plan involves saving a girls life - but only if I want a permanent relationship. For casual sex with a young hottie my plan involves winning a lottery.
I absolutely knew the answer to the question I posed this girl before I asked it. So much did I know the answer before I asked it I don't even know why I did in fact ask it. I knew the answer because my hopes were already dashed when I went to see an American Football game with her and a couple of her friends the previous Sunday. She was about as interested in me as she was in the game being played. That is to say, not at all. I don't understand. OK, so my jokes weren't from the "A" material list but she got the best of the rest, and I'z being happy and nice and everything. Bah! I'm not talking about this. I feel this entry will be long enough without adding a needless bitter dialogue about my feelings - urrgh. No way man!
She thought, like me, that American Football is the slowest, most boring football code ever made. Seriously I gotta stop being so honest, because on Monday, when a guy asked me how the game was, and when I said "it was the longest 80 minutes the world has ever known" I had to stand there and listen for 15 minutes about the virtues of the game. Apparently the line backers get quite exhausted even though they only play about 20 minutes (none of them consecutive) per game because of the intensity of those minutes. I didn't say, but I thought they got exhausted because they were all fat fucks.
Even though it's a boring game I still thoroughly enjoyed being there. It was the New York Jets vs the New Orleans Saints. New Orleans, as you know was washed out recently by some large gust of wind. As a result the Saints have no home ground. So their record was 2 and 8 (won 2, lost . The Jets were also running shit. Their record was the same, 2 and 8. And yet the game had a huge atmosphere. Almost, yet not quite, like Bledesloe Cup match atmos. There were a lot of people going mental at the game (by mental I do actually mean mentally disturbed). The New York Jets theme chant is "J", "E", "T", "S", "JETS", "JETS", "JETS", which is 2nd only in annoyance factor to the Aussie Oi chant upon repeated random repetitions.
I wonder if the guy sitting next to me (a male hand model would you believe) on the plane can read, and is reading what I'm typing now. All the lights have been turned off and most people are dozing or watching TV. The guy next to me is watching TV and is quite restless. He has bad breath… Why do I always get the stinky guys? Can you read this GUY, huh? Can Ya! Brush y'r fucken teeth you dirty cnut! (I'll let you know if he punches me in the mouth).
Yeah, so on Sunday at the game I purchased some merchandise. I got a cap and a t-shirt. The shirt I got in large size, and in the ol' U S of A large means large. Good on 'em for truth in advertising and all that but, man. I put this shirt on and it's the size of fucking tent. Any of you larger size piggies want this t-shirt? You know who you are.
Actually I can't really talk right now. I'm looking larger sideways now than ever after all the crap load of fried mozzarella sticks I've had since being here. I joked to all the office people that I'd better be getting a gym membership upon my return. They nodded in agreement and none of them seemingly understood that it was a joke. Nobody understands me.
Hmm, I've been typing solidly now for a couple of hours and I appear to have covered everything I wanted to cover already. Oh, wait - here's a thing that happened in the lounge waiting for the plane. I sat next to a fountain. Yeah, they got a fountain with water and rocks and stuff. So, I sat next to a fountain and drank beer and scotch and Canadian Club ginger and water. Now, if you're going to be consuming liquids it may be advisable to NOT sit next to a fountain if you want to relax. I sat down after going to the toilet for about the 4th time, took a sip of whatever it was I was drinking at the time and felt a sudden incredible urge to get up for number 1 number 5.
The reason this last entry took so long to post is because my modem adapter blew up while I was away and I had no internet connection until now. Writing these entries certainly kept me entertained while I was in the hotel room. Well, OK, so that's it. Thanks for reading peeps. Boo ya.
Expect something completely different next week. Cheers!